I recently read an article on the Huffington Post entitled, Why You’re Not Married.
The author, a TV writer, Tracy McMillan, whose credits include, Mad Men, The United States of Tara, and a memoir, I Love You and I’m Leaving You Anyway offers 6 reasons why the reader, who if unmarried and wishes to be, remains single.
Without belaboring the point of what caught my attention, let me say that reasons 2-6 constitute a repeat of what many articles assert.
And despite the, shall we say, blunt and directness of reason #1, the truth it held forced me, a wife of 29 years, to stop in gratitude after overcoming the initial shock of McMillan’s wording, or more precisely, her word.
“The problem is not men. It’s you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they’re not standing in your way [of finding the right man getting married]. Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let’s look at the top six reasons why you’re not married.
1. You’re a Bitch.
Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. …”
Unlike the author, who, married 3 times (and twice divorced) is the mother of a 13-year-old-son and fairly versed in how boys, that grow into men, think and choose, I am the mother of 3 daughters whose father is my first, one and only husband.
And as much as I was shocked at the honesty of her statement I also could not shy away from agreeing with her wholeheartedly regarding reason #1.
Had I been penning the article I would have chosen a different word. And yet, it is her second sentence that really pulled me in. “You’re angry.” And then delineating with whom the person in question is angry. “The truth is you’re pissed. At your mom…the military-industrial complex…Sarah Palin…”
I doubt that many of us work for or have any substantial relations with the military-industrial. Nor do we personally know Sarah Palin. How can you really hold anger towards someone, anyone whom you have never met?
And yet McMillan is correct in her assessment and descriptions.
She is also correct about many women being angry with our mothers.
Beneath anger always lies hurt, and often betrayal…of the deepest sort.
Many of us women have felt the hurt of our mothers’ words, the emotional abandon of their inability to love us without condition.
They were not evil or hideous people, our mothers, only individuals trying to survive, often alone, afraid and lacking the unconditional love we so needed from them as their daughters.
And yet lacking that love we are unable to adequately love ourselves, so much so that we feel unworthy of love and respect. We see the world and those around us through eyes stained with bitterness and lacking compassion for even ourselves.
With this as our plight, those who encounter us stand in fear of our wrath lest they get too close and draw the sting of the brutal rage burning within us, flames that singe our hearts, and cauterize our souls leaving use withered within, and hungering for the very food that we so crave and require beyond bread–the love of another who is committed to seeing us through this life, one who stands beside us weathering thick and thin, when our bodies, bent and refashioned by time and age, are ill and tired, and money matters less than the time we have on earth.
The love, ever how warped and twisted, that we received from our mothers, or that she with held, shaped who we were as a girl.
What we do with that girl in our adulthood rests entirely with us as women?
We can set our feet upon a path of healing, seek help everywhere possible and accept it from any who offer.
Or we can pretend that it is everyone else who stands naked and without the clothes of awareness, and avoid the bitter truth.
The image of exposure we have and continued to project upon others is but a picture of ourselves, a daughter wailing in the wind crying out for her mother’s love.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Eternal Love Song for Narayan
–Ganga Fondan, 2007
“If everything is spirit
then I know that you are near
and all the gifts our love has given us
are forever now and here
How easily we knew each other
With every step we became one
If everything is spirit
then this union still lives on
We live one heart, one life, one mind
One flesh and blood pours through
One word, one breath
One life, one death
One song of loving you
Like two waves we dove into each other
Full of trust and joy we were friends
Far beyond this time and space we knew
this ocean never ends
I still can hear your music playing
I still can feel your timeless kiss
Your blue eyes they still drown my very soul
and fill it with such bliss
Your voice still swims around my brain
like a river clean and true
Oh everything is spirit
as I connect with you
Like two waves we dive into each other
Full of trust and joy we are friends
and far beyond this time and space we know
this ocean never ends
We live one heart, one life, one mind
One flesh and blood pours through
One word, one breath
One life, one death
One song of loving you”
Another great blog. I had to laugh at reason number 1. Now I’ve never been married but I chose to remain single at an early age because I knew that I did not want to have children. Pretty much when I was in my 20s and 30s I was married to my career and to the concept of freedom. I very much enjoyed coming and going as I pleased. Anyway my parents made my life so comfortable why bother to get married and have more responsibilities? Fast forward to my 40s. By the time age 39 had rolled around both my parents had died. I elected to pursue my BA in English, however life stepped in and gave me kids. My cousin has a substance abuse problem and I spent many years helping to take care of her kids. To my great surprise I bonded deeply with the children and to this day they consider me an additional Mom. I did try to have kids while I was in my 40s but of course by that time it was too late. Now I’m in my 50s and have been rewarded by seeing the kids grow into wonderful young adults. BTW, my parents were married 40 years and though I did have some drama with my Mom I loved her dearly and wish she were still living. I miss Mom & Dad very much.
DeBorah Ann Palmer´s last blog post ..A Call to Witness — Suffering in the Midst of Healing
What a wonderful story of nurturing and loving your nieces and nephews. This is what life is all about–family, love and giving despite the challenges we and our siblings and family members encounter.
Life consistently presents opportunities for giving and loving. Ignoring them, as so many of us do, we lose out on learning what it means to be alive.
Clearly you learned a great deal from watching your parents over the 40 years they were alive and obviously loving and cherishing each other.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Peace and blessings.
Yes my niece and nephews have been a true blessing in my life. I bonded very closely with my niece. Her brothers had their respective fathers in their lives but she really did not have that advantage. When she was born it was like a light or a revelation went on in my head and my life. As her mother’s drug addiction worsened she spent more and more time at my home and is a very well adjusted child despite that negative environment. Children are a lot stronger than we think. I can’t tell you how many Barbies, American Girl dolls, tea sets and other things I bought her for birthdays and Christmas. The boys got video games, Bob the Builder and Captain Underpants. But little girls really are sugar, spice & everything nice. The joy in her face Christmas day, the first Broadway shows, outings to the museum and aquarium were heaven on earth. That little girl will be 17 come October and off to college next year. I can’t believe how time has passed and what a fantastic young lady she has grown into. Yes she and her brother elected to live with their mother, who is now clean but I think the girl in particular realizes how destructive her Mom’s lifestyle was and wants no part of that. I look forward to her high school graduation and first day towards college. She wants to be an artist or fashion designer.
My parents 40 year marriage showed me what real love is; truly for better or worse, in sickness and in health for richer for poorer. It was not easy but when they exchange vows December 1955 they made a lifetime commitment and kept it.
It is so wonderful when we can give in a a manner that affects someone’s life in such a profound way. Doing this I am always certain brings profound blessings to both the receiver and the giver.
I now see the inspiration that swirls through your blog posts. Your passion for loving outside of yourself imbues each word of your blog posts. I am so glad to have met you and that you take time to comment on my posts too. Peace and blessings.
Anjuelle – excellent, thoughtful and insightful!
Let me add a perspective from a guy/husband/father’s point of view, and a girl who is now thirty-six, married, divorced and with a new partner – and three daughters (10, 8 1). It might shed some light on what can be further down the road. I am now in the last third of my life and I find my observations are clearer than they used to be. I’ve been married twice, once for 17 years and now for 21. Three children from the first marriage, none from second.
I concur with your assessment of why a woman might be, and act, as reason #1 describes. Anger is at the root of much of our behavior – women and men – and, in hindsight, as a guy, I can NOW identify several of the women in my life who were, as labeled, a “bitch” (I say this without rancor and in context of your description). And you are right, they were angry, and my having known enough about their family, it was indeed, rooted in a deprivation of love (father as well as mother).
I married one (no degradation intended). My first wife lived with a similar relationship with her mother. And the same continues between she and our daughter. Our daughter’s “lack of love” from her mother and the resulting insecurity, manifested itself in low self-esteem rather than anger, whereas her mother’s was primarily anger. But both with common damage similar to what you discuss.
Your description is well stated: ” … lacking that love we are unable to adequately love ourselves, so much so that we feel unworthy of love and respect. We see the world and those around us through eyes stained with bitterness and lacking compassion for even ourselves” Our daughter has struggled in relationships with men because of exactly this, but into her thirties she has grown to see how the relationship with her mother has been detrimental, even toxic, for her. But it has created a a “timid” characteristic” rather than a “bitchy” characteristic and she acted the opposite, instead of being angry and an aggressor, she became timid and a doormat. Different outcome but rooted in the same dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship.
In her early thirties she almost arrived at the point of staying a single mom and devoting her life to herself and the girls, until … you guessed it, another man came along. He is better than the previous men but still not up to what she needs and deserves (spoken like a loving father). I believe she would have been better staying single – or waiting for “one who stands beside us weathering thick and thin …” But she is growing and getting stronger and more self-reliant. She sees her girls blossoming, (despite a terrible father, her Ex) and their need and love gives her strength and purpose. And the rest of the family (father, step-mom, two brothers) give her lots of love and support. So it can be done.
David´s last blog post ..Where have all the leaders gone? Here’s one – in spades!
David:
Thanks so much for such a truthful heart wrenching comment where you have given so much of yourself.
The observations of your daughter’s journey towards wholeness evidence your undying love offered without condition and that you are truly her father.
I truly appreciate your honesty and that having been so moved by the post, you took the time to express your sentiments.
Peace and blessings to you and yours.