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Of Light, Darkness, and Narcissistic Rage …

My mother was not one for sharing when it came to her feelings.

She held them close to her chest, if she held them at all. I now realize that much of her existence fought to escape her feelings.

My mother could be described as a narcissistic rage addict.

She was heavily addicted to anger, could have benefited from some anger management classes, although I do not think she viewed herself as angry.

And she wished only to see herself in me. I say wished, because I do not believe she saw much of herself in me, saw very little relation. Here lay one of the major roots and causes of her anger and rage.

Forty-years of age when she gave birth to me, my mother, as did most in her family began graying in her late forties. Her hair was mostly white by age fifty-five, when I was 15 years old.

My father, ten years her senior, had died by that time. My brother, then twelve had approximately eighteen more months to live before a drowning would claim his life.

My mother was dark-skinned. I, like my father was a fairer shade of brown. According to my mother, moments after she had awakened following my birth, the nurses, Caucasian, brought her to me announcing that she had given birth to a beautiful baby girl.

How could they say this about my daughter? My mother questioned silently within. And then, as she said, “I saw you, this little red ball of fire. I understood their words. You were beautiful. You were so fair.”

It pains me now to write this.

Fair.

Dark.

I wish those descriptions would go away, that America would lose favor with them.

And yet we are so enamored.

By fair, my mother meant, light-skinned.

And in the Black community this did and unfortunately still does, carry cache.

But along with this cache comes an ocean of pain and suffering experienced both by those who are described as fair, and those who label them as such.

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3 thoughts on “Of Light, Darkness, and Narcissistic Rage …”

  1. I’m very glad that Lupita Nyong’o was voted World’s Most Beautiful Woman! So proud to see a Dark Skinned Sister Honored in this Fashion.

    I read her Oscar Acceptance speech reprinted in Essence Magazine. It certainly resonated with me. Even though I’m 25 years older than her and was raised in New York City I can still hear the taunts of “Tar Baby” from my school-mates on the playground. Even when I went into the U.S. Army my always thick, kinky and Knappy was called a brillo pad. I was always made to feel so ugly usually by my own Black people. I expected whites to call me the “N” Word after all this was the 1960s and my parents who knew Jim Crow by heart prepared me for rejection as a Black girl in a white dominated society. In a way I was very surprised to hear that in a Black dominated/ruled society/country such as Kenya young Lupita experienced similar taunts, jibes and insults.

    Many times I would come home from school crying. My father tried to soothe my broken spirit and build my self confidence by telling me, “The Blacker the Berry the sweeter the juice. If the berry’s too light it has no use.” I did feel better for a while but it was not until I was well past age 40 that I began to really appreciate being dark-skinned with coarse thick hair. For one thing now that I’m well past 50 all this wonderful melanin truly means, “Black Don’t Crack”. As for my hair menopause has removed the thick & coarse texture but I’m proud to wear my hair natural since age 36. Yes Ladies, “Say it Loud! I’m Black and I’m Proud!”
    DeBorah Ann Palmer´s last blog post ..Palm Sunday Testimony and Praise Report

  2. DeBorah:

    Thanks so much for this heartfelt comment that I believe describes the terrible experiences so many of us have sadly endured, but also the great elation and liberation we felt when seeing darling Lupita Nyong’o not only receiving her Oscar, but ultimately be established as the World’s Most Beautiful Woman.

    She truly exemplifies all that is wonderful and glorious about life and living. Lupita Nyong’o conveys such a vibrant, sensitive and healing spirit and presence. All of humankind has been done a great service in that she and her face and life have been brought to the spotlight.

    Again, thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment.

    I have not been as faithful in responding to comments due to having been involved in a car accident wherein my car was totaled. Fortunately I am getting back to my old self and all is going well, if not better than before.

    Life and The Divine are good, as are you, DeBorah.

    Peace and blessings to you and yours.

  3. I am glad that you’re safe and well. I understand the trauma of car accidents. Several years ago I totaled my car. My Dad was still living at that time. I managed to make it to my parents house. When my father looked out the window and saw the car looked like an accordion, naturally his first concern was for me. He said that I could get another car but he couldn’t get another daughter! Eventually I did get another car. Now thanks to my Mr. Magoo eyesight I reduced my global footprint about 5 years ago. Walking and public transportation for me. Please get plenty of rest and relaxation. Take good care of yourself and be well.

    Be Blessed and be safe.
    DeBorah Ann Palmer´s last blog post ..Palm Sunday Testimony and Praise Report

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