Painting No. 3 by Nancy Violeta Velez
Between beauty of expression and power of expression there is a difference of function. The first aims at pleasing the sense, the second has a spiritual vitality which for me is more moving and goes deeper than the senses. ~ Henry Moore
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Not a day has passed during the three weeks since posting my last blog that I have not felt guilty for failing to hold to my schedule of blogging.
It is a promise I give to myself, and a responsibility I maintain as a published writer.
The nagging feeling that has haunted me now abates as I write this post.
But what occurs when life happens and disrupts our goals and the tasks we have set our energies to?
What do we do when personal events and life crises require our full, unmitigated presence and attention?
We stop and address the problem.
Yet our minds never leave or forget the work awaiting us, the mission to which we have committed ourselves, apart and separate from our families and in my case, because and arising from the love I have hold for my husband and daughters.
I suspect my angst in this and similar matters runs akin to what women and mothers around the world, particularly those of us in western societies continually experience when incidents at home and/or at work tug at us and we find ourselves in the cross hairs of competing responsibilities.
Mine came in the form of a husband who needed emotional support in a matter he had for months attempted to handle alone.
You know men, the loving and responsible ones, and who feel their sole job is to protect and defend.
Yes, that is the kind I married, and still love with all my heart.
But it broke my heart when fully realizing the turmoil he had been enduring alone.
At first I was confused. Then I became angry. I finally settled into sadness.
Not unlike Kubler-Ross’s six stages of grief, greeting another side of your spouse or anyone whom you love and care for, there follows a process wherein you must integrate this new aspect, and dimension of their personality and identity into the whole of the person you have previously known.
The longer you have known the person, that they have been a vital part of your life, the greater the challenge of interweaving the new into the old.
And then there is the matter of the new creation that arises from this discovery and the ensuing revelations, that of the person, and your relationship.
Just as individuals change and grow, so too do relationships evolve.
An important part of evolving is that of adaptation. It is what we call bending in our efforts to avoid breaking.
Breaking for individuals leads to mental collapses, at the worst perhaps suicide.
Regarding relationship, breaking is just that—the death of the relationship.
This equals divorce for marriages.
I always find it ironic that with a 70% divorce rate the majority of marriages end not as a result of infidelity, or one spouse perpetrating physical or emotional abuse upon the other. Rather marriages end for what we now know as that catch-all term, … irreconcilable differences … .”
My gut as both a wife of thirty years, a psychotherapist, and novelist that irreconcilable differences boils down to one or both spouses lacking the ability to adapt.
Neither the wife or husband, or perhaps both proved unable to integrate the new and emerging dimensions of personality—a natural part of human growth and development—that arose in their spouse.
Changes in our spouse, friends, children, even parents demand not only that we provide wide and added space for the new parts to reside, but that we also make room for these alterations in the relationship and interactions binding us to them.
Last but not least, and perhaps most importantly, changes in those we hold dear and love most, require us to change.
Presence of these new aspects within them, modify our interactions and ultimately call forth and awaken hidden parts of us.
It takes time and patience to integrate all of the new that arises.
The speed at which we move and live our lives in western culture allows little if any, time for change, and even less for integrating that change.
Sadly, many marriages and relationship falter and fail because we, the individuals comprising them choose not to donate time to welcoming and nurturing the new.
And yet as the existential/humanistic psychotherapist, James Bugental, reminds us, regarding self and other, “All I have to offer are my differences.”
While commonalities link us, it is our differences that solidify and seal those links.
I have been adapting and securing links during the 21 days since my last blog post.
I sincerely hope that everything goes well for your husband. It is difficult to see someone you love in pain. Men are taught to be strong and not express their pain but it is good that you and your hubby have a close and loving relationship. As the Bill Withers song goes “We All need somebody to lean on.” I know what it is to take a break from blogging due to family concerns. I had some rather upsetting family drama with the gist of it being that I’m now taking care of my niece. Just like some husband/wife relationships break the same goes for parent/child or in this case mother/daughter relationships crack then fall completely apart. However I’m standing in the gap for my 17 year old niece and look forward to her turning 18 in October, getting a small part-time job then onto college in January! At least she knows that I’m on her side and I’m providing her with a calm, quiet, stable home with plenty of encouragement and support.
Debora:
Your words are incredibly touching.
I am especially moved by, “At least she knows that I’m on her side and I’m providing her with a calm, quiet, stable home with plenty of encouragement and support.”
This is what we as family members are here to do for those we love.
The child/parent relationship mirrors the spousal relationship.
My husband has been there for me innumerable times in the past. To assist him now, provide a shoulder to lean upon gives me great joy.
As always I so appreciate your kind words and continual support that goes farther than you will ever know.
Peace and blessings to you and your niece as she goes forth in adulthood and with you by her side witnessing and supporting.
Interesting that the child/parent relationship mirrors the spousal relationship. Unfortunately my niece/cousin had nothing to mirror. Her mother has three children by three different men. She did not marry any of them. Plus there have been various “men friends” over the years in addition to the drugs she’s been on for nearly 25 years. Actually my niece has never met her father nor have I. Women who have multiple children out of wedlock by various men are doing those kids a serious dis-service. My niece has an older brother who is in prison and well the younger brother is on his way there. My niece/cousin mother favors the boys over her daughter which is part of the reason the girl is with me. Her mother is a woman who should have never had children. Then to emotionally and psychologically abuse the girl child is even worse. My niece could not take being mistreated any longer so she elected to live with me. However I have been taking care of her periodically thru the years due to her mothers drug addictions. I love my niece very much. For me the following scripture has come true. Isaiah 54:1
54 “Sing, O barren,
You who have not borne!
Break forth into singing, and cry aloud,
You who have not labored with child!
For more are the children of the desolate
Than the children of the married woman,” says the Lord.
I was always criticized by certain family members for being single and childless but I have found favor with God in spite of not fitting into society or cultural norms.
Please forgive me for not responding sooner. I was out of town.
Now for your heartfelt comments and honest sharing.
So much of what you describe is familiar to all of us as humans.
My grandmother was a particularly important influence in my life.
All that I have learned about mothering, the good part, that is, came from her.
I am certain she was not a perfect person.
She died at 83 years of age when I was twenty-one.
I lived with her during the week when my mother worked as a public school teacher in the rural south.
My father was a farmer.
My grandmother lived about 5-7 miles from my father’s farm.
When my mother approached her about caring for me during the day, my grandmother suggested that my mother allow me to stay all week.
And so each Sunday night my mother and father took me to my grandmother and grandfather’s house and I stayed until Friday.
During the summers when my mother was not teaching and my father was harvesting his crops and readying livestock for the fall I stayed at home.
As I grew older I would even go to my grandmother’s house and remain for weeks at a time just to be with her.
I cannot convey the depth of wisdom she shared with me.
Nor can I detail the stability her presence delivered during a turbulent adolescence.
She was the first person I spoke to the morning after my father had died of a heart attack.
In her arms I knew all would be well.
My relationship with my mother was not the best.
Even now I struggle to understand whether she really loved me, was even capable of loving anyone.
People like my grandmother are gems.
Without her I do not know where I would be, whether I would even be married. She was the first family relative I introduced my husband to when we had begun dating during my first year at college.
I certainly do not believe I would possess any of the mothering skills I utilize had she not been there and offered to care for me practically fulltime during the first 6 years of my life.
When I think of her I think of a big, warm sofa on which I lay and in whose folds I experience complete peace and safety.
I sounds like this is what you have given your niece and two nephews.
God bless you and family and friends who give hope, guidance, and most of all love to those like me.
Again, thanks so much for taking the time to share.
Peace and blessings to you and yours.